


I Love You But I Don't Think I Can Be The One

by Holisticgay



Series: (I'm Not) Better Off Without You [2]
Category: Voltron - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breakup, Happy Ending, M/M, klance, klangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-15 00:48:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14148279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holisticgay/pseuds/Holisticgay
Summary: "He wants to be able to ask Lance to help him figure out how to work through this, how to be better at being in a relationship without feeling like a burden on the one you love. But, instead of asking for help like he wants to, what comes out of his mouth is:“I think we should break up.”"-----Keith's POV of (I'm Not) Better Off Without You.





	1. Chapter 1

No one really teaches you how to be in a healthy relationship. No one teaches you about ways to communicate with your significant other, or ways to deal with feeling inadequate. You have to figure it out on your own, through trial and error. Or, if you're lucky, with someone who loves you enough to be patient and figure it out alongside you. 

 

That doesn’t make it any less hard, though. 

 

And for Keith, it’s extremely hard. 

 

Especially now, as he stands outside the door to his boyfriend’s apartment. It’s been another bad day and he’s so mentally exhausted, he doesn’t feel like a person. He knows Lance is expecting him to walk in any minute now. But opening the door is  _ so hard _ when Keith knows Lance is going to be so happy to see him, while he doesn’t have the energy to give Lance the amount of affection he deserves. 

 

He wants to, though. He wants nothing more than to be able to walk right over to Lance and kiss him. But he’s so tired and he doesn’t think he can handle being touched right now. It isn’t fair to Lance. Keith has been too overwhelmed the past week, unable to even hold hands without feeling like he needs to take his skin off. 

 

Lance has always been so kind and patient with him, has made him feel more loved in the past year than he’s ever felt his entire life. Lance’s frequent reassurances, that he knows Keith needs every now and then in order to feel like he’s okay, _ like they’re okay _ , haven’t been helping recently, though. He wants to believe Lance so bad when he tells him he’s okay with just sitting together. But the part of Keith that keeps telling himself that Lance can, and should, do better is growing and growing and it makes it hard to breathe. 

 

He’s happy with Lance. He’s perfect in Keith’s eyes. It’s himself he’s not happy with. And he doesn’t believe in that “You need to love yourself before you can love someone else” bullshit, because he already loves Lance, but… he just can’t convince himself he can be the one Lance spends his life with if he  _ can’t even hug him, for fuckssake.   _

  
  


So now here he is, taking a deep breath before opening the door to Lance’s apartment and walking in. He hangs up his coat but leaves his shoes on as he walks to the living room where he knows Lance will be working. 

 

“Hey, Keith!” Lance set his laptop aside on the table and turned around on the couch as soon as he heard the door open. “How was work?” 

 

“It… it was okay.” Keith returns the smile Lance is giving him and makes his way to the side of the couch. “You finish the article about that piloting school?” Lance huffs and shakes his head at the question. 

 

“I have all the interviews done, though, so at least that’s out of the way. Hey, you wanna order something to eat? I’m hungry and need a break anyways.” Lance stands up and makes his was to the kitchen to grab a delivery menu.

 

“Um… actually, can we talk about something first?” Keith knows he just needs to get this off his chest. He needs to let Lance know how he’s feeling, needs to work on communicating better. He wants this to work out so bad, he doesn’t want to lose Lance. 

 

“Oh, yea sure. Are you okay? Is something wrong?” His voice is gentle as he makes his way back to the couch. Keith can tell Lance is holding himself back from touching him and it makes his chest tighten even more. 

 

Lance is giving him a worried look as he sits on the end of the couch that’s closest to Keith. He holds out his hand for Keith to take if he’s okay with it right now, but he just shakes his head and the hand falls back into Lance’s lap. 

 

He’s trying as hard as he can to figure out how to tell Lance how he’s getting worse again and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He doesn’t know how to tell him that he feels like, no matter how much he loves Lance, he doesn’t feel fit to be in a relationship. 

 

He wants to be able to ask Lance to help him figure out how to work through this, how to be better at being in a relationship without feeling like a burden on the one you love. But, instead of asking for help like he  _ wants to _ , what comes out of his mouth is: 

 

“I think we should break up.” 

 

Lance’s eyes go wide and his mouth opens and closes a few times, but nothing ever comes out. He wants to elaborate on the  _ help _ part, tell Lance that it’s just stupid doubts he’s having and that he’s  _ not _ breaking up with him, he just feels like they should talk so that doesn’t end up happening. 

The explanation is right on the tip of his tongue, but suddenly, Keith decides maybe he should just do this, instead. Rip the bandaid off the cut right now instead of wasting even more of Lance’s life making him believe it’ll heal and they’ll be able to last forever. He stands up, takes a deep breath to try calming his nerves, and puts on the most neutral expression he can. This is serious, he needs to stay serious. He knows that if he even lets one crack of remorse show, everything will come breaking through and he won’t be able to do it. He can’t back out now.  _ This is for Lance. _

 

“I’ve just been having a really hard time with all my…. Intimacy issues, I guess.” He carries on, watching as Lance’s expression of confusion slowly turns to one of pained realization, tears forming in his eyes. Keith keeps going before he changes his mind. “I’m really sorry, It’s just...It’s getting worse and I don’t think there’s anything that’s really going to help. And I know you’ve said that you don’t care about my inability to be touched, but I still can’t help but feel like this-” Keith gestures to his whole self, although Lance isn’t actually looking at him anymore, his gaze now focused on the ground. “-just isn’t what you deserve. You should be with someone who is able to hold you all the time and show you how important and amazing you are. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Lance” 

 

Keith stops for a moment and before he can start talking again, he hears a quiet, shakey “ _ Are you being serious? _ ” from Lance as his tears fall onto his knees. The sight of Lance, hunched over himself and looking more hurt than Keith has ever seen him, finally breaks the last bit of him that he was holding onto. If he didn’t deserve him before, he definitely doesn’t now, after breaking his heart like this. The last of his emotions rush out of him all at once, and he feels so numb. He doesn’t want to do this but he has to. Staying would be selfish. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He says, now more calm than before and it seems to make it worse, as Lance’s silent crying turns into sobs. “It would be unfair to you if I stayed in a relationship with you and kept you from all the things couples should be doing. You deserve so much that I don’t have to offer. I wish I could be the one for you, I really do, but I’m unfit and I don’t know how to be what you need. I’m sorry to just end this out of nowhere, but it wouldn’t be right to wait even longer and let you believe it was okay.” 

 

Lance brings a hand up to his face and presses it to his mouth as hard as he can, his eyes shut tights as tears still manage to make their way out. His other hand is gripping his knee and he’s shaking. 

 

“It’s rude to say this right now, but,” Keith takes a deep breath, “I still love you. I still care about you and I swear I don’t want to do this. I’m… I’m sorry, I just… I’m really not who you deserve to be in love with.” He stops, unable to get anymore words out. He isn’t sure if there’s anything else he can add on, anyways. They’re both broken, Keith not feeling anything at all, and Lance feeling  _ too much _ . 

 

He watches as Lance removes the hand from his mouth, gripping his other knee. Keith can tell Lance is trying to talk again, opening his mouth and furrowing his brows, trying to figure out what he wants to say to him. 

 

After a few minutes of nothing but the sound of Lance crying, Keith realizes he isn’t going to say anything. Either from not knowing what to say, or unable to speak at all, he doesn’t know. It starts to become too much for him, standing in this room with Lance breaking down because of him. He considers trying to talk about it again. Maybe it’s not actually too late to fix this? Fix them? 

But Keith knows it is. Knows there’s nothing he can do to fix what he just did. Maybe it’s for the best. Now Lance is free to find someone worthy of him, and Keith doesn’t have to worry about holding him back. His skin starts to itch and he thinks he might throw up. He really needs to get out of there. So he does. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Keith says again before walking towards the door, grabbing his coat and walking out. He shuts the door carefully and leans his back on it. 

 

All he can think about is the expressions on Lance’s face. The confusion, the pain. He could practically  _ see _ the exact moment Lance’s heart broke. He wants to go back in there so bad. _ So, so, so fucking bad _ . 

 

But his skin is still begging to be ripped off and he’s still very nauseous, So he puts his coat on and walks out of the building. 

 

Keith wishes more than anything that someone had taught him how to be capable of being in love.  

 

Lance was, now that he thinks about it, the closest thing he will ever get to being able to fix himself. 

 

But it’s too late, now. He can’t go back. 


	2. Chapter 2

Keith calls off of work the next day. And the next, and the next. He knows he shouldn’t take this much time off, he has bills to pay. But he also still has a few paid personal days that he’s been saving up, and going to work and dealing with customers is definitely not something he can handle right now.

 

He spends his three days off laying on the couch, knowing if he got into his actual bed there’d be a high chance he would never get out. The couch is comfortable enough to not ruin his back when he sleeps, but not comfortable enough where he’ll opt to staying in it instead of showering or eating. And although he doesn’t feel like he has a reason to take care of himself, doesn’t feel like he _ deserves  _ to take care of himself, he knows he should at least make an attempt. 

On the second day, Shiro had come over per Keith’s request. Lance had texted him about a dozen times, and Keith had been too scared to open the messages by himself. He wasn’t sure what Lance’s reaction after he left was, and he was sure it was either anger (which Keith knows he deserves), or Lance begging him to come back (which Keith knows he doesn’t deserve). If it was anger, he doesn’t trust himself to now absolutely breakdown even more and do something rash. Although, he knows he would no matter what Lance’s messages consisted of. 

 

And if it was Lance begging for him back, well, he just really needs Shiro there to stop him from running over there right away and asking for second chance. 

 

Keith woke up to insistent knocking at his door. He slowly stood up and made his way to the door to open it. 

 

“Keith, you can’t tell me to come over ‘asap’ and then not answer the door when I show up.” Shiro says and he walks into the small apartment. 

 

“Sorry.” Keith shuts the door and follows behind his brother, back into the front room. 

 

“I’ve been knocking and texting you for like 20 minutes…. Have you been sleeping out here?” Shiro asks when he sees the pillow and the blankets laying haphazardly on the couch.

 

“Sorry.” He sighs out again and sits down on said couch. “Yeah.”

 

“Is everything…. Okay?” Shiro cautiously sits next to Keith, who’s just staring at his hands with furrowed brows. He can feel another breakdown coming and he really does not want to cry right now, but he knows he has to tell Shiro what happened. 

 

“I-” He chokes back the tears that try pushing forward, “I broke up with Lance, I need you to read what he texted me and tell me how bad it is.” Keith forces out as fast as he can. He hopes Shiro got all that because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to say it again. 

 

“Wow…” Shiro lets out a deep breath, “Uh… Yeah, I’ll uh… read them for you, but…”  _ Please don’t ask why, please don’t ask why, please don’t ask w-  _ “Why’d you break up with him?”  _ fuck, of course.  _

 

“I don’t….” Keith groans and brings his hands up to cover his face. “I Panicked, I guess? I just… Lance should be with someone who can give him all the things he needs in a relationship.” 

“Keith.” Oh great, Shiro’s dad voice. “It’s not up to you what Lance needs in a relationship.” 

 

“I know, I just-”

 

“Were you unhappy dating him?” Keith whips his head towards Shiro, how could he assume that? He knows how much better Keith was with Lance. 

 

“No! Of course not, I still love him and-” 

 

“Then I think you should have tried to work it out, instead of deciding for yourself what Lance does or doesn’t need.” Shiro holds his hand open out towards Keith. “Phone?” 

 

“Sorry.” Keith whispers and unlocks his phone before placing it in Shiro’s hand. 

 

“I’m really not the one you should be saying that to.” He says as he goes through the text messages. 

 

“Is it… bad?” Keith wants to lean closer and read then for himself but he forces himself to stay put. 

 

“Damn, Keith.” Shiro sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t know how you could ever think Lance doesn’t want or need you in his life.” 

 

“Shit… It’s that bad? Fuck.” Keith places his hands back into his hands and finally lets a few tears slip out. 

“No, no, don’t worry too much. He doesn’t seem to hate you, at least. I think he’s… confused, mostly? Here, just… read them, okay?” Shiro grabs one of Keith’s hands and pushed the phone into it. 

 

“Ok…” Keith just stares at the phone for a minute before getting the courage to turn it back on and read the messages.

 

**8:27 pm.**

**Lance:**  Can you please come back? 

 

**8:32 pm.**

**Lance:** Keith, can we PLEASE talk about this? 

 

**8:35 pm.**

**Lance:** babe, please

 

**8:39 pm.**

**Lance:** sorry for calling you babe this proabably isnt the time for that at all

 

**8:46 pm.**

**Lance:** can you at least let me know if i did anything to upset you? 

 

**8:50 pm.**

**Lance:** Im so sorry if i was too touchy, i promise ill pay more attention to how yourefeeling

 

**9:03 pm.**

**Lance:** please come back 

 

**9:26 pm.**

**Lance:** Keith? 

 

**9:38 pm.**

**Lance** : can you just let me know if youre okay? 

 

**9:39 pm.**

**Lance:** we dont have to talk i just want to know youre okay

 

**9:49 pm.**

**Lance:** ok im actually getting pretty worried now 

 

**9:56 pm.**

**Lance:** i lve you so much please justttext me 

 

**10:12 pm.**

**Lance:** please? 

  
  


After reading all the messages, which took longer than it should have due to Keith having to constantly wipe his eyes dry enough to read, he set the phone on the couch beside him and buried his face in his hands again and let himself cry as hard as he wanted to as soon as he first told Lance they should break up. 

“Oh, Keith.” Shiro near whispered softly as he wrapped his arms around Keith and hugged him tightly. “It’s going to be alright. You can still fix this, yeah? Just text him and let him know you’re ready to talk, okay?” 

 

“You… you didn’t s-see the look o-on his face, Shiro.” Keith let out a loud sob and wiped his nose on his sleeve. “He-he looked so… hurt, i-i’ve never seen hi-m look so b-broken before. I d-did that to him. I hurt him, I don’t deserve another chance.” His sobs turned to hiccups as he tried to catch his breath. 

 

“C’mon, lets get you some water.” Shiro pulled away and rubbed his back for a few seconds before standing up and walking to the kitchen. He could still hear Keith’s painful hiccups when he turned the faucet on to fill a cup up with water. When he came back into the front room, Keith had his phone in his hand and was typing out a message to Lance.

 

“Woah, wait.” Shiro rushed to set the glass down on the end-table and grabbed the phone from Keith’s hands before he could send anything. “I know I send to text him, but let’s just wait a few minutes so you can calm down.” Keith tried to snatch the phone back but when Shiro held it far out of reach, he quickly gave up and slouched back into the couch. 

 

“Fine.” Keith grumbled out, still sniffing and letting out little hiccups. He grabbed the cup with both hands and took slow sips to appease his brother. 

 

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, waiting for Keith’s breath to even out as much as he could manage, Shiro finally handed his phone back to him. 

“Thanks.” Keith said as he stared at the phone again. He was so ready to type out paragraphs of apologies when he was breaking down, but now that his head wasn’t as foggy, he had no idea what to say. 

 

“Just start out with telling him you’re okay.” Shiro suggested and Keith nodded. 

 

**9:18 am.**

**Keith:** I’m okay. 

 

And then- 

 

**9:18 am.**

**Keith:** I just needed time to think 

 

Which wasn’t a lie, because he had been thinking a lot in the time since he left Lance’s apartment. But that wasn’t the real reason he hadn’t texted back. 

 

**9:21 am.**

**Keith:** can we talk? 

 

They sat there in silence again, waiting for Lance to reply for about 10 minutes before Shiro sighed and stood up. 

 

“Well, just give him some time, yea? Maybe he’s busy or something.” 

 

“Or he realized it was for the best and he’s taking this opportunity to never talk to me again.”

 

“Keith, stop. You know that’s not true. Now, come on, I don’t know when the last time you ate was, but I’m hungry so let’s go get some food.” Shiro held out his hand to help Keith stand up, but he ignored it and stood up by himself. 

 

“Fine, but you’re paying for me. I haven’t worked in two days so I can’t afford it this week.” Keith walked to the foyer to get his shoes on while Shiro laughed. 

 

Going out should be good, Keith thinks, he hasn’t left his apartment since he got back from Lance’s and he’s starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.

 

\--------------------

 

His third day off is as bad as the first. Lance still hasn’t texted back and he’s painfully aware of it. 

 

He’s been waiting anxiously for a reply since he got back from breakfast    
(lunch? ...brunch?) with Shiro and it’s eating away at him. Maybe Lance really doesn’t want to talk to him at all anymore. Just that thought made it hard to do anything except lay in bed- couch… all day again. He tried cleaning up his apartment again but moving even a little bit was too exhausting, and eating just made him feel like throwing up. 

 

So the only thing he had done all day was lay awake, checking his phone constantly, until around noon, took a shower- which was really just him sitting under the stream of water until well after it turned cold- then laid down again until he fell asleep.

 

He didn’t think he would have the energy to cry again, not after spending the previous night crying for hours after getting home. But, sure enough, after checking his phone for the last time before deciding to try sleeping and seeing he still had no new messages, he felt it hit him again - how much he had fucked up. Sleep seemed like an impossible feat now, with his chest feeling like it was collapsing and making it hard to focus on anything other than the pain, but after crying for what felt like hours, the exhaustion had won and he eventually managed to fall asleep. 

 

Which, of fucking course, didn’t last long. Nightmares have always been something Keith was used to, suffering from them for as long as he could remember. But he had not had one in a while, sleeping in the same bed as Lance had always made him feel  _ safe _ , and feeling safe had made the nightmares less frequent. So when he woke up just as the sun was breaking the horizon, fresh tears on his cheeks and his hand gripping his chest tightly, it took him longer than usual to figure out what was going on. 

 

His first instinct was that someone had managed to break in without waking him up and drive a knife through his heart. But after he realized there was no blood on him or any physical harm around him, really, his nightmare flooded into his mind all at once. 

 

“Lance-” Keith choked out and started crying again. He had broken up with him again in his dream. Only this time, Lance had reacted. Laughing at Keith before telling him he’s been waiting for a chance to be free from him. Telling him that he regretted asking Keith out to begin with, that he didn’t realize how hard it was to put up with his baggage. He hadn’t loved him at all. He’s glad Keith is gone. Glad Keith broke up with him so Lance didn’t have to go through with the trouble of worrying about upsetting him and his abandonment issues. 

 

_ No _ . Keith tries to stop thinking about Lance’s reaction in his dream. 

 

_ No, that isn’t Lance at all. _

 

_ He would never say any of that, he loves me. I know he loves me.  _

 

_ Keith was the one who hurt Lance, not the other way around.    _

 

Keith continues crying before his alarm goes off, making him jump at the sudden ringing. He checks his phone and, upon seeing Lance still hasn’t replied, throws it to the other end of the makeshift bed. 

 

He takes a few more minutes to calm himself before getting up and heading to the shower. He’s already wasted three days doing nothing, he should really go to work, if only to have something to do to get his mind off of this whole mess he created. 

 

He takes a quick shower, throws on some random clothes that will surely cause his boss to yell at him for not wearing his uniform again, not that he cares, and leaves the apartment. 

 

He can already tell it’s going to be a bad day since all he can think of is how he won’t be able to come home to Lance after work anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this is not,,,, as well written as i could have made it but im kinda sick and super tired but i rlly wanted to get somethin up since its been a few days.  
> Kudos and comments are always super appreciated <333

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I actually tried editing something i wrote.   
> I hope you guys like this as much as you liked the first one <3
> 
> Also the title is from Relapse by Divided By Friday.   
> The first one was from Better Off by DBF, too.


End file.
